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I’m sorry to be the one to break this to you but, when it comes to men—and whether or not they have good relationship potential—you have to look at two things: first, his Venus (love sign). And then his Sun sign (the basis for his personality in general). But with Aries it’s different. There are three things you must consider. Lucky you. After you’ve sorted through the first two—and have thrown out the last of the used tissues—you must ask yourself one necessary, though frightening, question: Is he an Aries with his birthday in March or in April?

Listen to me. Astrologers don’t give you this one big piece of information. Maybe they’re protecting you. Maybe they just don’t want you to throw the baby out with the bathwater (ha!—actually a fitting reference, considering who we’re dealing with here). But you’re gotta know. You simply must:

If he’s an April Aries, okay. Maybe you’ll be okay. If he’s a March Aries (especially one near the Pisces cusp), run! Get out of town! Hop on the bus. Make a new plan, Fran. Be coy, Joy. And set yourself free.

You should know that it’s gonna take your March Aries a little more time to grow up than you’d hoped (like 120 to 130 years longer…you’ll be dead by then), and in the meantime he might even just be a little psychotic and an insensitive bastard (oh, but he may also be good at convincing you, at first, that he’s not). That’s right. He’s Chucky and Chucky Returns. Combined.

I’m not playing around here. There may be a difference between your March guy and your April Aries guy: a straitjacket, designed especially for you.

So I just thought you’d want to know this now, going in. Consider yourself forewarned. Read on, knowing that there’s some hope to make him a decent boyfriend, and I’ll tell you how. Go. Go in peace.

Just remember that Luke resisted the Dark Side. And so can you.

And the things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those that got there first.


I’m not sure that acting is something for a grown man to be doing.



“You want me. You know you do.”

“No I don’t!” you insist, lips pursed. It kills you that this man’s got you. You hate it. You hate him. You’re beginning to hate yourself.

Aries man licks his lips, penetrates you with his eyes, and smiles so cockily you’d like to smack him. But you don’t.

Damn, he’s good.

“I’m going to kiss you. Now.”

“No you’re not!” you hear yourself whimper, impressed. Damn, he’s sexy. Your head whips around to check if others are listening in on the unfolding scene. You almost wish they were. You giggle, feeling ridiculous for imitating a fourteen-year-old virgin. (Get real. You know he’s gonna do it anyway, but it’s—let’s face it—fun to let him charm the pants off you. Literally.)

“I’m going to caress you with my tongue and make your loins ache for me.”

“Not in front of all these people!” you assert, louder now, with conviction. But you’re smiling. Unabashedly. Swooning. Pretending that you don’t like the public displays of affection when, in fact, your knees are jelly under the table. You wish he’d just do it already and shut up.

You love it. You love this man. You see yourself walking down the aisle to him. You see him as the father of your children. You imagine him in the future as the romantic, spontaneous, charismatic fool for you he is now. The love of your life. THE ONE. Showering you with love and affection. Rocking your world in bed and in life.

WAIT! (Record scratches. Violins abate.)

Not so fast. Are you sitting down? Really? Good. Take a deep breath and listen. About your Aries man: Six months of erotic, sexy quicksand. A sinking ship made of lead. Seriously. In the beginning, he’s soooo charming. Then something changes. All of a sudden…

It was so nice to go into this fake courtroom on Ally McBeal. I immediately went up into the judge’s chair. Nice view. A preferable perspective.


He wants to be pampered. He wants you to think like he thinks. He wants you to be perfect. Always. He wants his mommy. He wants you to be his mommy and to put him in his place. He wants to see you as his lover, his confidante (his webcam partner—he’s so big…on political issues). The absolute love of his life. He wants. He wants. He wants.

Are you noticing a pattern?

Aries are the children of the zodiac. Make no mistake. That “grounded,” “super-smart,” “sensitive,” “moralistic,” “self-assured” “man” you’ve just nabbed (or are dying to) will cry, whine, and stamp his feet if you take his ducky from the tub.


Out of nowhere (and you’re privy to the inane consequences of your actions) you start flipping coins, wondering if it’s going to last. You feel it won’t. You absolutely do. But there’s that little voice inside you saying, “Shut up, Goddamn it! I’m doing the best I can here!”

Because you just can’t help yourself. Because Aries men are like those little boys who are so cuuute, you just can’t stop staring at them: You know the ones. They make you want to have kids and dress them up in snappy little overalls with preppy starch-collared shirts and parade them all around the park in front of the other jealous mothers.

I don’t think silicone makes a girl good or bad.


Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long shot.


“Look at him!” you screech gleefully, unable to contain yourself. “Don’t you just wanna pinch his cheeks and take him home?” And they do want to. Because he’s got something. He’s special. And he knows it.

And so do you. Damn it.

Aries guys can make awful boyfriends because they’re just so easy to fall in love with. They have their good points. The power thing is sexy. The righteousness thing they’ve got going on gives you a sense of security. And it may just be a false sense. He seems like he’s a take-control guy. All roads point to the fact that he can take care of you. This is, alas, perhaps an illusion. Financially, he can. Emotionally, he may just have problems—serious ones. And you need to know this, friend, right now. Listen up: You need to take control.

Neuroses with this guy? Try the following. Get Aries to open up sometime…really open up. Tell him you’re gonna do a role-playing thing. Tell him you’re his mommy and you’d like him to be your baby—your little goo-goo gah-gah wittle boo-boo baby—and you want him to nuzzle your breasts like he’s your little boy. Go ahead, tell him. “I’m you mooommmmy.” Coo to him. See what he does. Do it.

Aries wants you to be his mommy. And his real mommy, betcha anything, was the strong, in-charge one of the two ’rents. And though he’s actually frightened, terrified of his mother, he’s always fantasized of having a woman just like her.

In truth, Aries man’s entire agenda is to convince you, for the sake of his overindulged, overinflated ego, that he’s the one with the pants in the relationship. But (see above) that’s not really what he wants. Instead, he wants you to be numero uno domination woman—everywhere but in bed. ’Cause he hates feeling like a wuss. Truly hates it. But, as with every rebellious man-child, it’s his innermost desire.

As the girlfriend of an Aries man, you’re secretly surprised how much influence he’s got over you. Nobody else did such a thorough, bang-up job of it. You kinda like it. His flair, charm, and boyish good looks keep you panting like a horny though misguided teenager. He tells you what to do and how to do it. Shockingly enough, you listen to him. He brings out a side of you you’ve never seen before. He’s just plain fun. And a pervert, too…in a good way.

I can’t say I gave up totally my passion for women but almost.


True, you know he just likes to hear himself talk. But you don’t mind. You know he’s a total control freak. You let him be. You despise the way he barks at others and orders around his posse and those who work for him (though he somehow does it with charm). But it thrills you, too. And you succumb. Because he’s your future. He’s your Future Man in Life…

Well, I have good news for you. Aries men are romantic, loving, sweet, and extremely attentive.

And even Aries men marry, eventually. Some even get married early on (it’s rare but it happens). You can win his heart. If that’s what you truly want. And if Aries is an ex, I’ve got startling advice for you, too.


Here’s a story. I have a good friend who nabbed an Aries man who was many years her junior; kind of young for marriage, especially for an Aries: twenty-six. Know how she did it? She worked hard, saved her money, bought a house (without waiting for him), and, once the documents were signed, dated, and stamped, turned to him and said, “You in?”

He was impressed. In fact, he wanted to live with her in her new house. “No way,” she told him. “Marry me or forget it.” He did. Two babies, seven years, and a mortgage almost paid off later, he pays all the bills, she owns the house, and they’re still very happy.

Bottom line: If you’re waiting for Aries to sweep you off your feet, you’re going to wait a long time. You have to take charge and have some balls. Aries is all talk in the beginning. But after he’s conquered you, he can, easily, and without remorse, walk away.

Violence is one of the most fun things to watch.


If you make a fool of yourself, you can do it with dignity, without taking your pants down. And if you do take your pants down, you can still do it with dignity.


If you do your own thing, though, Aries will follow you like an obedient duckling. Under the bottom line: Aries wants a woman who’s going to stand up to him. He’s the one sign in the zodiac who will not be intimidated by a strong woman. Au contraire, that makes him feel secure.


If you’ve broken up with an Aries man, I’ve got news that shouldn’t be a huge shocker for you: DO NOT SLEEP WITH HIM. This may work with some other signs, but not him. (Taurus or Pisces, maybe.) I mean it. His complex messed-up sex/(self)-respecting women issues are on par with Cancer or even Gemini man. Just forget it. He’ll be tempted to leave money on the dresser, after, when he leaves.

Instead, I want you to do something: Put the book down. Do it. Put it next to you. Step away from the book. Hands in the air. Slow-ly.

Now go outside. Run around. Wave your arms. Flap them like a pterodactyl. You heard me. Yell “Squawk, squawk.” Bare your teeth. Grrrr. Jump on one foot. Yell it again, “SQUAWK, SQUAWK!” Repeat five times. Hop around in a big circle.

Did you do it? Did anyone laugh at you? Now, why is that? ’Cause what you did was silly, immature, and you looked dumb doing it? Right. Now, okay. I’m going to be straight here. Going after an Aries man who doesn’t want you—whether it be a phone call or an e-mail or registered letter, whatever—is as futile as you going outside and squawking like a prehistoric bird with an attitude problem. I mean it.

Futile with a capital F.

I’m a pretty quiet guy, but if people want to think of me as a lady-killer, I guess that’s good.


(And please, please, please, read this whole chapter, at least, before you do anything else stupid. Like plan the wedding before you’ve seen the way he interacts with his mother.) (Yeah, babe. That’s how he’s gonna treat you.)

So…You want to know why you can’t chase after him? Because Sun sign Aries knows what he wants. Or at least he thinks he does. And there is nothing you can do to change his mind. He is completely inflexible, and I don’t mean in bed. He is the fetus of the zodiac. He’s still running around showing off his neat little toys when he’s thirty, forty, or even fifty. He’s aggressive. He takes. He takes what he wants. He’s a hunter—a caveman, still holding a stone-carved knife—and he’s not comfortable unless he’s out getting his own meat.


Listen, you going after him will bring up his biggest deep-seated fear. And he will instantly be nauseated by your attempts to get him back. Here’s your answer: You know how we reject what we see in ourselves that we can’t stand? Yeah. With Aries it’s weakness. Pathetic, whiny weakness. Wimpiness. Please-come-back-to-me-y-ness. Gag. It revolts him. And he’ll cut you off completely when he sees it in you because it absolutely disgusts him when he sees it in himself.

I wish they would only take me as I am.


You have to love the guy that you play; even if you play the villain, you’ve got to love him.


Walk away with some dignity. If you call him—or call him and call him—I guarantee you he will never take your phone call again. He’ll rewrite history. He’ll say, “Maybe I used to love you. Maybe. But I have no feelings for you anymore.” And that’ll be the end of it. And then you’ll feel like a worthless schmuck instead of the way you should feel—like you’ve just won the ten-million-dollar scratch-off sweepstakes. You now have a chance to find a good boyfriend. ’Cause let’s face it. Aries man is charming, affable, and dastardly, wickedly fun. But did you really want to live with a total control-freak dictator for the rest of your life?

Don’t answer that.

Now brace yourself: I guarantee you—GUARANTEE you—that if you don’t call Aries after you’re broken up, he will call you. The problem is, he’ll call you to:

  1. Sleep with you
  2. Tell you how miserable he is without you (and how he’s so disappointed that you’re, sigh, not good enough for him)
  3. See if you’re still pining for him (out of curiosity)
  4. Check whether anyone’s snatched you up yet (and, by the way, the answer is yes. Hey—you’re not lying. You’re dating yourself. Take a hot bath tonight and pour yourself a glass of Chardonnay. And stop mourning him. Aries man has radar; he’ll sense when you’re not living and breathing solely for him anymore.).

BUT: DO NOT TAKE THIS PHONE CALL. The only way Aries guy will want to get back together with you is if you continually don’t take his phone calls. Seriously. One day, a year from now, he’ll call you out of the blue like nothing happened. He’ll invite you to his office to have sex. And you’ll tell him to go call a 900 number.

And he’ll think about it.

Marriage is miserable unless you find the right person that is your soul mate, and that takes a lot of looking.


He wasn’t a great father. He was a great musician. That’s always been a touchy one, and it will be until I can find the answer, but I don’t know if there is one.



Now, remember. Venus can only land in five different signs for each of the twelve Sun signs. The descriptions for Aries are forthcoming. First, go look at the Sun/Venus chart in the back of the book. Find his birth date. Write down his Venus. Read the following. If his Venus is in Aries or Aquarius, be afraid. Be very afraid.

Aries Sun, Venus in Aries

I swear to you that this is the worst placement for an Aries man, next to Venus in Aquarius. His idealism in love is quadrupled. He is looking for the PERFECT woman—that is, someone who will never falter; never pass gas, never forget a line from the script he’s so carefully written and crafted for her, never show her weaknesses. She has to be warm and caring, sensible and sensitive, strong and domineering—except with him. (Don’t ever order this Aries around—he’ll ask you to go get him something at the corner deli and then—aw, sh*t, really??—change all the locks.)

Be the strong, silent type, subtle and practical. Never the needy drama queen. Things need to be focused on him—get it? Um, why else would he be in a relationship?

In the beginning he is THE PERFECT CATCH. He’s hot and masculine, yet “a nice guy.” A hint of slick, but it’s under the surface, so, strangely, it’s a turn-on. That’s what makes him so crafty. Don’t ignore blazing red flags that’ll pop up from the very beginning. He’ll inadvertently uncover some of his flaws on your first date. Actually, he may even brag about them outright, then you’ll never hear him speak of them again. This is him getting stuff off his chest. He’s a real sincere, “honest” guy, this one. File it away if your two neuroses match. But don’t forget. Ever.

No, it’s not you. It’s him. This man will make you jealous of someone who doesn’t exist: his perfect woman, his ideal goddess. He may even talk incessantly about “her.” Hey—he’s with you, right? If he does this, get out quickly. Don’t be masochistic. Say to him, in a singsong Glinda-the-Good-Witch-of-the-East voice: “Oh-ho. Rubbish. Be gone before someone drops a house on you, too.” Then leave.

Ever see Xena? Wonder Woman? Weird Science? Yeah. He wants a mythical creature. I’ll tell you something, though. If you’re faking it—pretending to be his powerful, independent love goddess—and that’s not the real you, he’ll find you out and it’ll be over when he does.

He’s intuitive. He can smell a lie like that big-shnozzed ugly villain guy in Chitty-Chitty Bang Bang can smell kiddies. In fact, lie to him and he’ll delete you from his life with one swift keyboard stroke of his souped-up top-of-the-line Mac.

He is a dictator. I’m telling you, Stalin would look up to this guy.

So do this: Agree with everything he says. Let him repeat himself like he has Alzheimer’s. He does. He will forget your birthday—know this, my friend—and anything remotely important that has been said. In fact, let the whole eerie Groundhog Day–thing work for you. He’ll be impressed that you “guessed” things he already told you twelve times. He doesn’t even listen when he talks, for God’s sake, so don’t be offended when he doesn’t listen to you.

Maybe that goes along with my personality—it’s white or black, never gray.


Oh, one last word of advice: Don’t ever get jealous with this man. Tell him to go out, have fun. He’ll run back to your side. If you’re too possessive, instead, his little-boy I-wanna, I-wanna rebel thing will come out, full force, and he’ll start flirting with other women, just to show you that he can. He’ll turn off his cell phone so that you can’t reach him. Sadly childish, right? Right. This is what I’m saying.

One last thing: The little-boy, funny, sweet thing is so attractive, you may just be severely spoiled by romantic gestures and soul-mate kinda BIG love.


BOYFRIEND POTENTIAL RATING: High if you make it past the six-month mark; that’s a good sign for things to come. Extremely low until he grows up; usually in his forties. Very high scary factor because he’s truly deceptive. When he’s young, he talks on and on about how he wants to get married and start a family. In reality, he’s a better magician than David Copperfield: This is an illusion…. So good, he believes it himself.

I’m just looking for that moment to drop my Jedi knickers and pull out my real light saber.



Eddie Murphy (April 3, 1961) Caught with a transvestite hooker.

Steven Seagal (April 10, 1952) Married three times; his youngest child with Kelly LeBrock is named after the nanny; he then got the nanny pregnant.

Steve McQueen (March 24, 1930) Ladies’ man; married three times, including to actress Ali McGraw.

Kevin Federline, aka the future-ex Mr. Britney Spears (March 21, 1978) Left wife when she was pregnant with his child.

Robert Downey, Jr. (April 4, 1965) In and out of jail for drugs. On second marraige since 2005.

Napoleon III (April 20, 1808)

Adrien Brody (April 14, 1973)

Steven Tyler, Aerosmith (March 26, 1948) Had problems with drug abuse. Liv’s mother covered up the fact that he was her father because of it.

Vince Vaughn (March 28, 1970)

Aries Sun, Venus in Taurus

Well, here you may have something to work with. Aries with Venus in Taurus will want real love. He’ll want to go slow and seduce you big-time. Venus, by the way, rules Taurus. And he’s a sensual beast, unlike Aries with Venus in Aries—who talks a good game, but performs like a machine drill.

Want Aries with Venus in Taurus? Drive a Mercedes. Or an Aston Martin. Tell him you just finished hanging your clothing outside with clothespins and you now have a daisy-print cotton apron on (with your initials on it) and are chopping his favorite vegetables.

In fact, tell him you’re about to cook a full-course dinner of risotto with white truffles and porcini mushrooms, veal chops with a tarragon-mustard cream sauce, and death-by-chocolate cake. For the mayor. And your nanna. And he’s invited but he doesn’t have to bring anything because it’s just such a privilege to cook for him.

I’m exaggerating here. But do you see the rub? You have to be flashy but prudent. Have expensive taste, but stay home and cook. Wealthy and powerful, but domestic and frugal, too. Aries Sun, Venus in Taurus can also have this weird, paranoia thing that you want him for his money or that you’re using him (’cause he can be an opportunist to the nth degree). Just make sure you don’t let him spend too much on you in the beginning, even if he offers. He’ll think you can be bought (’cause he can be—and he’ll get funky about seeing it in you).

This guy’s a lady-killer who doesn’t know what he wants early on in life. Eventually, he’ll realize what he’s looking for: stability. He wants his woman to be grounded. Be his rock. Get his ironic humor. And you’ll get him.

This one’s easier to catch than many other Aries men. Just follow my counsel. And say your Hail Marys ten times. Even if you’re Jewish. Or a Jehovah’s Witness. Or agnostic.

F*ck it. Just pray.


BOYFRIEND POTENTIAL RATING: High. Not a bad catch either. Except for the paranoid/delusional/thinks-you’re-using-him thing, sometimes.


Marlon Brando (April 3, 1924) Married three times.

Charlie Chaplin (April 16, 1889) His last marriage was a long one. He was fifty-four when they married, though; she was seventeen.

Christopher Walken (March 31, 1943) Happily married since 1969.

Warren Beatty (March 30, 1937) Known for his love ’em and leave ’em style. Roster: Joan Collins, Madonna, Julie Christie, Leslie Caron, Carly Simon (rumored to have written “You’re So Vain” about him), Diane Keaton, Elle Macpherson, Cher, Goldie Hawn, Brigitte Bardot, Britt Ekland, Liv Ullmann, Candice Bergen, and Stephanie Seymour (who dumped him for Axl Rose). Finally married Annette Bening, with whom he has four children.

James Caan (March 26, 1940) Married and divorced five times.

Eric Clapton (March 30, 1945)

Anthony Perkins (April 4, 1932)

Leonardo da Vinci (April 15, 1452)

Aries Sun, Venus in Gemini

Aries with Venus in Gemini will live for love…at least, his version of it. He’s so lost that he doesn’t know which end is up. Actually, he likes being abused. That’s right. You heard it here. When Aries/Gemini is tortured in love, he’s happy. He doesn’t really want to suffer, but, let’s face it, it’s the drama quotient working overtime…not unlike a Shakespeare play where swords are drawn and somebody dies in the end with lots of fake blood. It’s what he wants. It makes him want. And it’ll make him want you.

So, here’s my advice. Tell him you need your space. Then pop over with a bottle of wine. Tell him you want to go out. Then call him at the last moment and say you really didn’t really mean it—you don’t feel like it—you’ve changed your mind. Tell him you two should go on vacation, and then tell him you just got a call from Mr. Big and you’re going, instead, to visit the wine estate he still has in Napa.

Wait. That was fictional. No, no. Tell him you got a call from your ex, who needs to talk about his current girlfriend and—but, oh!—he’s a good guy and you just want to help. (And by the way, sweetie, don’t worry that I’m going to meet him in his hot tub. And that I’m packing a thong bikini. And nothing else.)

Do you see where I’m going here? Actually, you only have to do this for a few months. In other words, by the time you’re ready to commit to your Aries/Gemini, he’ll be ready to be committed.

To an asylum, true. But he’ll be all yours.

BOYFRIEND POTENTIAL RATING: High if you dose him with your best impression of Lady Macbeth (Out, out, damned spot). Low if you don’t.

P.S. These guys just can’t seem to function like the rest of us mere mortals. They’re passionate, yes. But like a fire you just can’t put out, the damage keeps spreading.


Russell Crowe (April 7, 1964) Pleaded guilty to misdemeanor for throwing a phone at a hotel clerk. (Though also helped French police arrest, identify, and convict a thief he saw on the street—kewl.)

Andy Garcia (April 12, 1956) Well-known for his disinterest in Hollywood and marrying his college sweetheart. It’s possible to get a good one.

Omar Sharif (April 10, 1932) Sued for “assaulting and battering” a valet in a restaurant and calling him pretty nasty racist names.

Brian McFadden (April 12, 1980) The Westlife star has been in rehab a couple of times to stop drinking.

Gregory Peck (April 5, 1916)

Dudley Moore (April 19, 1935) Never kicked the rumors of his habit for going into debt due to his affinity for prostitutes, cocaine, and alcohol.

Aries Sun, Venus in Aquarius

Danger. Alarm. Break out the bomb squad. Danger. DANGER WILL ROBINSON. Entering the most terrifying, terrifying love zone. Just stay away. Do it. I’m warning you. This guy, within a month or two of you dating him, will swear up and down that you’re “it.” He’ll be ready to bring the priest or rabbi or judge around and just get it over with. He’ll show you how committed he is by throwing out all his beloved photos of Jenna Jameson (the famous porn star, y’know?—if this isn’t your first red flag, what is?). He’ll sigh and look at you like you’re the last sip of water in the Mohave.

Fawn. Worship you. Sigh and shed tears.

He’s the evangelist Jim Bakker of passion (and look what happened to Tammy Faye). He’s a really bad episode of The Love Boat, a trip back and forth to Fantasy Island; and all the while with that Wonder Years innocent, Mister Rogers–trustworthy mug staring back at you with pure loving, sappy adoration in his eyes. Just for you. He is exactly, EXACTLY, what you’ve hoped for all your life…

But listen. LISTEN. It is very likely that one day, soon, he will break up with you, so coldly, so ruthlessly, so brutally, it would make Mussolini wince and go “Ooh, that’s harsh.” He’ll take the lace cloth you’ve had in your hope chest since birth (that your dear great-grandmother passed down to you) and use it as toilet paper. And he’ll have no remorse for it because he’s never wrong. Sadly, no one is good enough for him.

Sigh. Double sigh.

Sure, this open, gregarious, exciting man is unimaginably fun to be with. But admit it. You kinda knew it going in. He seemed so whipped that you were never really sure if he was in love with you or the idea of you.

And there you have it in a cracked nutshell. Look. This is for your own good. Don’t take it personally. This guy is a survivor—all Venus in Aquariuses are, but especially Sun sign Aries (and Aquarius)—and so it goes. He needs to use women to boost his ego so he doesn’t have to deal with what a pathetic (romantic, idealistic, though horribly misguided), righteous loser he is.

Your only hope is when he finally moves out of his mother’s house. At forty-two. And has been sufficiently potty trained. And needs to settle down because he must produce progeny who are exactly like him.

God help us, everyone.


BOYFRIEND POTENTIAL RATING: Do I have to say it again? Stay away. Do it…I know you’re attracted to him like Courtney Love is to getting her name in the tabloids: but for something wrong and stupid. Listen. Listen to nice, smart ex-first lady Nancy Reagan: “Just say no.” Oh—if he’s got his financial act together and he’s hitting his forties, he may—may—be okay. Just be careful. Really.


Quentin Tarantino (March 27, 1963)

Alec Baldwin (April 3, 1958) Note on the biggest divorce/child custody battle in decades…Kim Basinger is a Sagittarius/Sagittarius—he’s an Aries/Aquarius. Their Sun signs go together (both fire), but their Venuses don’t (Sag and Aquarius—fire and air).

Elton John (March 25, 1947)

Richard Chamberlain (March 21, 1934)

Gary Oldman (March 21, 1958) Married three times, once to Uma Thurman.

Wayne Newton (April 3, 1942)

William Shatner (March 22, 1931) Married three times. Third wife, sadly, drowned in their backyard pool.

Aries Sun, Venus in Pisces

I hate to say this, but you’re dealing with potluck here. It can go either way: romantic, artistic poet who resembles the heartthrob wooing the nerdy-and-schlumpy-turned-knockout-gorgeous girl in all those corny teen movies you’d never admit to liking. Or: total, utter PSYCHO.

Yup. It’s true. Freddie Prinze Jr., or Freddy Krueger.

It really depends on the guy. It’s up to you to make sure which before it’s too late.

These guys can be dangerous in love. You wouldn’t expect it, because they’re ultra-, ultra-sensitive—and therefore, can go the womanizer route or, on the other side, become obsessive and masochistic. It’s a defense mechanism. Examples: Vincent Van Gogh (uh…cut off ear); Marvin Gaye (known for his obsessive, love/hate addiction to women); Hugh Hefner…(need I say more??)

So, here’s my advice. Don’t get too close. That’s right. Keep him at a distance. See if he uses his powers for good or evil. Watch him.

True, he’s nice to the waiter and the bellboy, and is incredibly charming with your mother. But he does seem a little quiet, doesn’t he? Hmmm. He’s almost too perfect. He’s even a good listener. And his eyes are so liquidy intense. You’re wondering if he’s really listening to you or just measuring your neck to see what size machete he needs…Oh no! Did I give it away? (Hey, confess. Your friends are a little freaked out about this guy.)

Now, he might just be fine. Let’s just see. But if you sleep with him, make sure it’s after the ring. Really? Too long? Then go interview his ex-girlfriends. I mean it. I know, I know. Over the top. Let the critics loose on me. But go anyway. Do it. Subtly. Or not.

Put on your best Jackie O glasses, wig, and trench coat. Usually I wouldn’t advise this. But with this guy—if you have access, do it…and you can even tell him after the fact.

He’ll be offended. He’ll kind of admire you for it, though, too. You’ve now got bigger balls than he does. And he likes that. ’Cause he always kind of suspected that everyone else in the world does. This will make him fall for you. Having that certain kind of oomph he so craves. Yin-yang. Get it?

And if his ex-girlfriend admits that he used to watch her through the shower curtain…and she suspects his real initials are N.B. (right, Norman Bates), that just might be a sign.

P.S.: If he manages to stay away from the dark side (he’s easily swayed)—and you decide he’s really more Freddie Prinze, Jr., than Freddy Krueger, then, um—keep him.


BOYFRIEND POTENTIAL RATING: Extremely high if he’s emotionally balanced and mature—and over that I-only-want-her-’cause-I-can’t-have-her thing. Very low if he keeps an old lady’s wig hidden in his closet.


Hugh Hefner (April 19, 1926) The Ultimate “Playboy.”

Vincent Van Gogh (March 30, 1853) Almost as famous for his psychotic behavior as for his ingenious artwork.

Julian Lennon (April 8, 1963)

James Woods (April 18, 1947) Has an IQ of genius: 180. Married twice. Marriage to second wife lasted four months.

Ewan McGregor (March 31, 1971) Married since ’95.

Dodi Al Fayed (April 15, 1955) With Princess Di when he died.

Heath Ledger (April 4, 1979)

David Letterman (April 12, 1947)

Conan O’Brien (April 18, 1963)


GROUNDED <GRUND-ED> Having two feet on the ground and touching metal while dangerous, live wires flail around you, threatening to end your life.

Translation for potential girlfriend: As long as he’s not the one being dumped, he’s okay with turning you into a neurotic, psychotic, insecure, and desperate PSYCHO. He already suspected as much. Now it’s simply confirmed. And he can’t wait to tell his mother.


SUPER-SMART <SUP-R-SMAHT> Knowing enough about everything to talk knowledgeably about it. Depending on his assessment of these things, making up the rules (until they’re not recognizable anymore) and expecting those around him to abide by them.

Translation for potential girlfriend: He is never wrong. This can be a problem when he actually is wrong.


SENSITIVE <ZEN-SEE-TIV> Having one eye on his instant messager on the computer, listens to everything you say. He won’t hear it, but he will listen. God, how she likes to blab, he thinks. But he knows he’s got to do it if he wants some. And his mother taught him that this is very important. And Mom’s always right. (Even if she’s also incredibly f*#ked up and irritating, surreptitiously, in his mind).

Translation for potential girlfriend: He will listen to your side of it if he’s into you. Only because he knows he must. If not, he will call you a manipulative, sneaky, ignorant, whiny female who doesn’t know how to listen. Then he’ll end it without so much as a glance back…until he’s interested in a one-night romp for old times’ sake. (See “Advice For Ex Ms. Aries”)


MORALISTIC <MOR-A-LITH-TIC> Championing a noble cause. Translation for potential girlfriend: Anything that relates directly back to him. In other words, if he happens to be well off and a staunch Republican, he’ll go around the issues and never admit that he’s really in it for the tax break.


SELF-ASSURED <SELF-ASSUUUURED> Possessing such incredible narcissism that—if he stopped to consider himself for a moment (and was forced to truly look in the mirror—and not just to check his receding hairline)—would crumble into a heaping pile of crying, blubbery, pathetic mess.

Translation for potential girlfriend: Aries man is a born dictator. Don’t believe me? One name: Adolf (April 20, 1889, Aries/Taurus cusp).


MAN <MAN> Homoerectus.

Translation for potential girlfriend: Closet metrosexual.


Pity the woman who falls in love with Taurus guy before he falls in love with her. If this is you, take ten steps back. Hold the phone. Climb off the cloud. Alert the media. And stop defending him. Shht. You’re still talking. Just listen.

Speaking from experience, I’ve never seen so many perfectly smart women get taken by a more unworthy cause.

Why? Because Taurus men, once they know they’ve got you, will milk it for all it’s worth. They love adoration. Okay, yes—all men do (your mother told you so). But you need to know exactly how it’s taken: not well.

It’s slurped up greedily like the last drink of water in the desert. Drawn out like oil from an old crone’s face. Bled dry like leeches on a fresh cadaver.

Oh, ew. Did I have to go there?

After doing One Fine Day and playing a pediatrician on ER, I’ll never have kids. I’m going to have a vasectomy.


Yup. It’s true: Taurus guy uses the ego boost you give to make him feel powerful enough to win the other object of his affections—namely, not you.

Unless you know how to work it.

Chil’, this one actually gets off on playing with you the way we torture poor kitty with a string: Come, come here. (Evil laugh as we pull it away.)

And here’s something else you didn’t want to know: May 6 men are the ultimate brutal Taurus birthday. They’re the most romantic—and the most cruel. It’s the influence of the number 6 in numerology—they live for love. But they’re not really psychologically equipped for it because they’re so scared of suffering themselves. Hence, they wind up breaking hearts and tormenting women…until they find The One.

Powerhouses—larger than life. Yet horrors. Unless they’re completely gone in love, they’re gonna bat you around like the Mets in 1986: They’ll win the World Series with you, then leave you sitting in the dugout till the end of time. (And it’s such a heady ride, it will ruin you for boring, tedious future mates to come.)

Proof: George Clooney, Sigmund Freud, Orson Welles, Stewart Granger (swashbuckling actor from the forties and fifties), Rudolph Valentino: all May 6.

Taurus guys in general: Potent. Compelling. Brilliant. But dumb like the floor when it comes to communicating their true needs for happiness to their intendeds. (This isn’t a coincidence, incidentally. It’s how they maintain control—over you and over themselves.)

I’d think, “In a relationship, we should never have this kind of fight.” Then, instead of figuring out how to make it work, I looked for a way to get out of it. The truth is, you shouldn’t be married if you’re that kind of person.


We are ready to sacrifice our souls, our children, and our families so as not to give up Iraq.


So, first, let me tell you the good news: Taurus can be had. Even love-starved bad boys like May 6. You just have to figure out his raison d’être. His M.O. His game. For him, the game is Monopoly: He wants Park Place. He’s not sure why. He just knows it’s the best. And since he doesn’t want to buy something on the Lower East Side—a real fixer-upper that’ll need work—he’ll go for the polished choice. He’s not into rescuing. He’s the damsel in distress.

He wants a prize. And if that’s you, you’ll get him.


Ring, ring.

Taurus guy picks up his cell. “Yes, yes…I’ll be there,” he says. “Yes, please tell the queen of Spain I can attend.”

Taurus smiles smugly at you and drops a casual “Oh, sorry. That was just (fill-in-the-blank important person).” You sense that he’s playing it down: no biggie. Yet that he fixed it to have someone call him at precisely this moment in hopes of making a good impression. Sadly, you’re not mistaken.

On the other hand, there’s that other strain of Taurus. Y’know—the one who tells you things only when you ask. Or beg. Strangely, this one is low-maintenance. And a woman who’s frivolous in any way will turn him off big-time.

One is very crazy when in love.


Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.


Wanna lose him and also get him to never shut up in one swift motion? Insult his masculinity. Ask him if he bats for the other team. Better yet, order for him in a restaurant. Pick the quiche. Get a sloe gin fizz (with a frilly cocktail umbrella in it) and leave him holding it as you sashay off to the bathroom. Ditto that with your purple suede fringy clutch purse during the Super Bowl—while his buds are standing by watching.

“Come closer,” he beckons. “I don’t bite.” But he does. He does. Biting is definitely an accepted form of foreplay for him. You slide closer and he whispers in your ear. Taurus guy knows that it’s not really what he says but how he says it (i.e., with his lips against your skin).

Sexually, you’re probably overwhelmed by this guy. But you’re not completely sure if you respect him. Or—it’s the opposite. You absolutely adore his semi-pedigreed soul, but the thought of kissing him excites you about as much as the thought of making out with his pet bulldog.

Sadly, it’s usually either/or.

SO, if you’re in the minority—and are actually in love with this guy…really in love, NOT obsessed because you just want to get him—or bed him (think about it), I’ve got good news. Follow my advice, read this chapter and then…

Just know that one day very soon, you may just find out that this “composed,” “proud,” “sensual,” “romantic,” “curious,” “financially secure” guy who keeps pictures of himself on the mantel does so only because he has no clue who he really is.

You only require two things in life: your sanity and your wife.


I have an unfortunate personality.



If you’ve done your job, you’re now pleasantly enjoying the benefits of Taurus guy secretly adoring and worshipping the ground you walk on. He should be pulling out all the stops. If he’s spending money on you, good. Well done. He can be incredibly generous—or as cheap as a polyester pin-striped suit from Sears if he doesn’t trust your motives. He MUST trust you.

And to do this, you need to keep him guessing—yet show him that you’re not going to bear his love child, then run away to Guatemala with his best man. That big love-crazy cocktail is scary for him. His fear is so tangible, it’s like how Michael Jackson would feel, were he forced to take a paternity test.

And you should know this: If he doesn’t respect your wishes to wait for sex, he’s not into you. Ironically, though, you should respond subtly to his advances when he puts it out there. But not too much. Balance.

He may be offended if you push him away, but he’ll be back. I promise.

In fact, just when you think he’s pulling away, remember my words: Uh-uh. No way. If things are going as planned, he’s off formulating another scheme to get you. And if you take this job away from him, I guarantee, he’ll have no choice but to torture you instead. He needs a hobby. Give it to him.

Sadist. Masochist. It’s up to you to decide which. It’s all in there, wrapped up into one pretty, brooding Taurus package. Let him suffer or you will.

He’s good at playing the cool guy until he falls. Oh, and you won’t miss the signs when he does. But along the way, you may be confused. You’ll wonder about his honorable (or dishonorable) intentions. You should.

Now comes the part where I relieve you, the little people, of the burden of your failed and useless lives. But remember, as my plastic surgeon always said: If you gotta go, go with a smile.


People who speak in metaphors should shampoo my crotch.


This guy will evaluate and categorize you—both judge and jury. But, it’s easy to trick him into thinking you’re perfect. He’s almost never on the mark. In other words, many men are good at sizing up women; Taurus man is not.

So read on, woman. You can get him.

Pay attention.


Here’s a story for you. I know a woman. I’ll call her Sam. She had a boyfriend. And then there was Taurus guy—waiting in the wings for some crumbs.

Taurus guy was enamored with her, and she wasn’t sure what she wanted. One night, she threw caution to the wind. And kissed him. From that moment on, he considered her his. A kiss by any other name would not taste as sweet, rationalized Taurus. When he’s serious, he instantly marks his territory. Like a dog.

So when he found out that Sam was surreptitiously hovering between him and the other guy, he flew into a rage. Secretly. See—he didn’t tell her. Instead, he opted for vengeance and plain ol’ in-your-face jealousy.

For instance, when they went out to a restaurant, and her best friend joined them, he waited till Sam went to the bathroom, then put the moves on her friend. In fact, he found out the best bud’s phone number and started calling her, asking her out.

They say Elvis is dead. I say, no, you’re looking at him. Elvis isn’t dead; he just changed color.


I think I was the best baseball player I ever saw.


So after, when Sam confronted him, he admitted that he wasn’t even interested in the friend. He just wanted to see if he could get a rise out of Sam—and get her back for what she’d “done to him.” (This, after a casual work friendship, one smooch, and her indecision.) But hey, he was seriously smitten. And that’s big stuff for Taurus.

So when Sam finally decided she did want him, he didn’t trust her anymore. And didn’t want her. She had committed the ultimate sin in his eyes: not being on the same page as him at the same time; not giving him the security he needed, at precisely the moment he knew he wanted it. Holy deliberate smokescreen, Batty guy.

Bottom line: This is true whether you’re just starting out with Taurus or preparing to walk down the aisle: This man has an extremely fragile ego. He gives all if he loves you. And he expects it back in return. When he’s ready.

Under the bottom line: Confused or capricious women need not apply. You can get him, but heed my words if you want to keep him. (Gemini girl, be careful. Yes, I’m talking to you, toots.)


Bizarre thing. Most guys cannot be swayed by sex after a breakup. Instead, Taurus can. He wants to forgive. Poor, beleaguered, pigheaded Taurus has invested in you. And since he’s done all that work already, he doesn’t want to see it go to pot.

Here’s how it’s gotta go, though. Listen carefully. In order to seduce Taurus back into your life, it cannot be a wham bam. Ringing him at midnight for a booty call will only throw him back into the arms of…anyone but you.

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron.


I have as much authority as the pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.


But wait—you can’t be too serious either. Tears are okay, but he’s gotta know that you miss him on a friendship level. Pretend that you’re his wife already. And that you married him twenty years ago. The honeymoon’s over, baby. Here’s your mantra: Calm, rational. Nice, steady.

Here’s how it should go down. If he doesn’t call you, wait three weeks. I know it’s hard, but do this right. Call and ask, “How’re you feeling?” No big deal. Keep it light. Businesslike, even. How’s his sister? His mother? Some deal he’s been working on at the office? He’ll probably get fidgety after less than five minutes. He’s worried that you’re gonna start bringing up things he can’t deal with.

That’s normal. If he says he wants to call you back, tell him, “No. No problem. Just wanted to see how you’re doing. Bye.” Hang up. (Don’t say “Don’t bother.” It’s too manipulative. He’ll know you’re playing a game, and trust me, he’ll beat you at it.)

If he doesn’t want to deal with you, leave him be. Just remember the “leeches on a fresh cadaver” analogy. Again: ew. He’ll suck the self-respect right out of you.

Instead, if he stays on the phone, tell him you’ve been practicing cooking a new pasta recipe or hearty steak dish. If he’s interested, you’ll make it for him.

Here’s what NOT to say: anything related to sex; anything related to how you miss him as a boyfriend—boo-hoo; anything about what you need, like fixing something in your house or helping you make a decision on this or that. Do not use the phrases “hang out” or “it would be cool.”

You have to be humble, sober, sincere. Grounded. Not needy or dramatic in any way. (That’s his job.) Crisp like new sheets. Soft like cotton.

Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong.


Catch a man a fish, and you can sell it to him. Teach a man to fish, and you ruin a wonderful business opportunity.


If this doesn’t work, you can call him and give him a list of his faults. He’s no great catch, either. But wait at least two or three weeks after you try the first approach.

Oh, and if he comes over, cook for him and wait for the connection. Bring up good times. Think sentimental, not sexual. Show him some photos of Granny and you—with pigtails. He’ll most likely take the bait.

Last story: One Aquarius woman I know snagged a Taurus man big-time. But her method makes The Bold and the Beautiful look plausible. Surreal, this. She got pregnant after the first month they were together. She was thirty-three; he was thirty-two. He flipped and stopped trusting her; she told him she wanted to have the child.

Whoa. He was shocked. To add chaos to mayhem, he was Israeli, she was Apple Pie. His family expected him to marry someone of his heritage—and threatened to cut him off if he didn’t comply.

She was so cool and composed. To this day, all are stunned as to how she did it. Taurus guy felt manipulated and roped in—a humungo faux pas. But, throughout the pregnancy, she just gave him the subtle digs, let him call (mostly out of guilt), made him aware of what was going on, never asked for money (even though he was a well-to-do lawyer), and just knew he would return.

He did.

Sure, she freaked him out a few times. Placed a couple of psychologically f*cked-up phone calls, with lots of name calling. But she chalked it all up to hormones. Explained it as such. And didn’t apologize too much for her behavior.

All I know is I’m not a Marxist.


At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.


Last tip: this story says it all. Get Taurus man by going slowly through the back door. And not wanting or asking for too much. That’s how he’d do it. And that’s how you should, too.

I don’t do drugs. I am drugs.


Taurus Sun, Venus in Aries

If there hadn’t been women, we’d still be squatting in a cave eating raw meat—because we made civilization in order to impress our girlfriends.


This one has a presence so commanding, so intense, you have to look at him. He’s like a total eclipse of the sun: You can stare at it, but (oh sh*t)…it’s reeeally bad for you. Meanwhile, he has to be sure that you’re his future. He’s the Martha Stewart of love—so efficient, with a get-out-of-jail-free card to boot. (Are you listening, Martha? Don’t you wish you knew that before?)

There are some days when I think I’m going to die from an overdose of satisfaction.


Yeah, it’s true. He’s got contacts up the wazoo. And he’s not afraid to use them at precisely the right time. Precisely. Listen up, though. There has to be a ground-base reason for him to be with you. Security. Mutual interests. Shared taste…

A trust fund in your name.

Oh, all right. Damn it. I didn’t mean to let the cat out of the bag. This one’s just a little obsessed with money—like in an OCD way. Like checking his wallet every hour to make sure Lincoln hasn’t run off the five-dollar bills to go free the slaves or something. Look, truth is, it’s not all that bad—but he’s gotta believe that you have a decent, steady-paying job, or backup money from another source—at least. If not, this guy will freak.

He has to know that you’re in it for him, not for what he can give you. And he’ll be able to read the truth of that…well, he thinks he can read the truth of it. He’s an analyzer, this one. Thinks too much.

Bottom line: He doesn’t want the responsibility of obsessing over his financial tab and yours. That means, well, no staying home and raising the young ones. Leave ’em with the babysitter. She’ll do a fine job. Even if she only speaks Swahili. Or Urdu. And learned her child-rearing tactics from Bertha, the stalwart women’s criminal correction center warden.

Actually, when this guy’s relaxed with his money situation, though—which he is almost never—he’s extremely devoted, loving, and childlike sweet. That’s why he needs to keep on top of things. He falls in love and it’s all over. He sees things (meaning: you) through rose-colored glasses. But oh, what a pretty, shiny pink diamond you make.


BOYFRIEND POTENTIAL RATING: High if you feed him through his ego and don’t stress his wallet. Extra high if he stays with you, ’cause he’s not gonna unless he’s really, truly in love. A done deal if you’re a billionaire heiress. Anorexic. Or one of the Hilton sisters—both. And love him for him. But last tip: You can have this guy big-time if you really, truly know in your heart that money’s not part of it. Then this guy will latch on to you and be incredibly generous—like a celebrity in third-world-country crisis-time.

Once you label me you negate me.


As a rock star, I have two instincts. I want to have fun, and I want to change the world. I have a chance to do both.


One more thing: This guy’s charm can conquer whole nations—think Saddam Hussein, Tony Blair—or just the entire female population: George Clooney.

I don’t listen to myself very much.



George Clooney (May 6, 1961) Is George scared of marriage? Nahhh. It’s the Aries-baby Venus. He wants what he wants (Taurus is this way, too). He figures life doesn’t get any better.

John Wilkes Booth (May 10, 1838)

Saddam Hussein (April 28, 1937)

Sigmund Freud (May 6, 1856) According to him, sex was the root of everything.

Jack Nicholson (April 22, 1937) Legendary womanizer.

Zubin Mehta (April 29, 1936)

Isiah Thomas (April 30, 1961)

Tony Blair (May 6, 1953) Married since 1980.

Orson Welles (May 6, 1915) Married three times, once to Rita Hayworth. Third marriage lasted.

Taj Mahal (May 17, 1942)

Dennis Rodman (May 13, 1961)

Jean-Paul Gaultier (April 24, 1952)

Ronald Reagan, Jr. (May 20, 1958)

Willie Mays (May 6, 1931)

George Carlin (May 12, 1937)

Taurus Sun, Venus in Taurus

There’s something you need to know about Taurus sun, Venus in Taurus: Besides Taurus, Venus in Aries, no other sign claims such an extensive collection of persuasive men. It doesn’t matter who they are—it’s just frightening.

Sometimes they’re morally PC, but most times, they don’t see beyond their own totalitarian-dictatorship agendas. They want to control the masses with their political ideals, found in their songs, their paintings, their work—whatever. Just look at the influence these guys have over their peers. That’s a good indicator. You must be the rational one. But beware of scary-guy factor.

Deep down, this man can be controlling. When he’s got the upper hand, though, you wouldn’t even know it. He’s like a Ziploc in the fridge: cool and contained. But that’s not his true self. And you’ve got to put him off his guard to make him off his rocker. For you.

Here’s the one thing you need to be careful of, though: Since he’s so averse to talking things out, he’s prone to sneaking around (with others, Mammy) so that he doesn’t have to confront any problems. He goes out and does bad things. Risky, he is. Just sayin’.

My first language was shy. It’s only by having been thrust into the limelight that I have learned to cope with my shyness.


Being number two sucks.


It all comes down to character. Or lack of. This Taurus can be soulless. Definition: Without a soul. And this can be dangerous because he seems like such a fun, down-to-earth, charming guy. Perilous.

Bottom line: There’s a tendency for this Taurus to go over the edge to Psychoville if he’s had a rough past. He can be completely unethical. Completely. He’s like a volcano, ready to blow. And you don’t want to be there for it. ’Cause Mount Etna doesn’t erupt often—but it does erupt.


BOYFRIEND POTENTIAL RATING: Low if you let him master you—as he so deftly does others. Mezzo-high if you can stand your ground. Unbelievably high if he knows you’re the only one he can trust—’cause he’s made so many enemies in the past, he needs at least one person he can rely on.


Niccolò Machiavelli (May 3, 1469)

Adolf Hitler (April 20, 1889) Cusp, also sometimes considered Aries.

Karl Marx (May 5, 1818)

Oliver Cromwell (April 25, 1599)

Michael Moore (April 23, 1954)

Muhammad (April 3, 570)

Pope John Paul II (May 18, 1920)

Søren Kierkegaard (May 5, 1813)

Salvador Dalí (May 11, 1904)

Busta Rhymes (May 20, 1972)

Bono (May 10, 1960)

David Boreanaz (May 16, 1969)

Joe Cocker (May 20, 1944)

Billy Joel (May 9, 1949)

George Lucas (May 14, 1944)

Taurus Sun, Venus in Gemini

This guy’s heart is in the right place. He’s a good guy, and the most fun of all Tauruses, with a quick wit. Self-mocking. To others, he seems exceedingly sociable. He can start up a conversation and keep it going (even if the other person isn’t talking—talented, really). But what makes him happiest? An audience of one. He just wants to be in love—poor thing—and has a tough time making up his mind, committing.

I always respect a woman.


Remember that board game Risk? Yeah, that’s NOT what he’s into. Here’s the big bummer: It’s a precarious situation. He wants to know that when it’s Game Over, aka marriage, you’re going to be his Rock of Gibraltar. Faithful. Loyal. Ideal.

But wait—getting there must be a rocky climb or he’ll discount you like a Chinese knockoff of an Italian designer label.

Again, he’s clueless as to what he wants, exactly. So you have to show him.

For now, just keep in mind that all it takes is a little cruelty to get the ball rolling; that is, a boyfriend he can steal you from. A big, hairy challenge.

Jerry Seinfeld is the perfect example of Taurus, Venus in Gemini. Jerry, in real life, met a woman at the gym two weeks after she was already married. Wanted her. Courted her. (I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.) When she finally left her husband and got together with him, rumors swirled that she wasn’t the first married lady Jerry had gone after. But at least she wasn’t sixteen, like Shoshanna. He MARRIED her. End of story.

I prefer love over sex.


My inspirations are the woman, friendship, and loneliness.


Just make sure he knows that you’re a possibility. Sorta. That you may be interested. Difficult, nearly impossible, but doable. “Fate.” Russian roulette with four bullets instead of one. Play your ace. Then show him the deuce. Luxuriate here. Obviously, when he gets you, it’s necessary: Pull away. Game, but Jeopardy-justified. He’s a romantic—but confused. He has to win you. And he’s got to work for it.


BOYFRIEND POTENTIAL RATING: High if he’s extremely solvent and you still agree to sign the pre-nup. (It’s really not about money, it’s all about “trust”; (that is, his lack of it.) Also very high if you’re Judge Judy and can give it to him straight. Cinched if you play him as big and dramatic as Angelina Jolie’s lips rock the free world. And also as promising. Low if these analogies are registering just about as much as scandals dealing with the British Royal Family being offered coffee at high tea.

A man should control his life. Mine is controlling me.



Al Pacino (April 25, 1940)

William Shakespeare (April 26, 1564)

Andre Agassi (April 29, 1970) Want an example of a great couple? Here ’tis. Andre is Taurus, Venus in Gemini. Steffi Graf is Gemini, Venus in Taurus. When your Venus matches his love sign and vice versa, it’s a SOULMATE connection.

Luther Vandross (April 20, 1951)

Bing Crosby (May 3, 1903)

Oskar Schindler (April 28, 1908)

Malcolm X (May 19, 1925)

David Beckham (May 2, 1975) Married to Victoria Beckham, ex-Posh Spice.

Enrique Iglesias (May 8, 1975)

Charlie O’Connell, aka the Bachelor, 2005 (April 21, 1975)

Jason Biggs (May 12, 1978)

Hank Azaria (April 25, 1964)

Tony Danza (April 21, 1951)

Jerry Seinfeld (April 29, 1954)

Rudolph Valentino (May 6, 1895)

Emilio Estevez (May 12, 1962)

Taurus Sun, Venus in Cancer

He wants a stable home life, yet his business ambitions keep him away a lot. Use this. Work it. Make him feel guilty. But threaten to have a life of your own. He’ll be Silly Putty in your hands—without the newspaper imprint stuck to it.

He wants to possess you.

One thing you should be careful of, though: it seems like this guy cares more about what his “public” thinks of him than about what you think. Not true. He simply expects you to be his grounding force, his spiritual guru, his unfailing supporter. That’s your duty. To him, it’s your job.

More High Expectations: Eventually, he’ll have you cook all his favorite meals, host his social gatherings with the higher-ups, be his siren—without being too sexy (so as to be mistaken for anything but a good girl). And never EVER contradict him in public. It’s all about treading a fine line between exciting and stable. Sexy and saintly. Domestic and haggardly.

This Taurus is a pretty confused puppy. If he gets it into his head that he wants something, he’ll cling to it desperately. It’s pretty pathetic, y’know, having to pump, pump up his ego like that air mattress from the infomercial you watched at four in the morning in an insomniacal haze. As with the mattress, you keep putting in the juice, it just keeps leaking out.

But I guess that can be okay, too. See, he needs you. And if you play the stable force in his life and get him, he’ll cling to you like that nerdy girl in ninth-grade algebra. Not a bad deal, either, because you won’t have to do everything he asks, like, um, make sure your locker is next to his.

You can have either the Resurrection or you can have Liberace. But you can’t have both.


This is a busy time for President Clinton. Not only does he have that thing in Kosovo, it’s also prom season.


He’ll still come after you like Freddie or Jason. Sequels 1–45.


BOYFRIEND POTENTIAL RATING Very low if you don’t revel in his flair for the stylish and utterly “moral.” And aren’t just a little into he-worship and joined-at-the-hip kinda love. Extra high, period. Many of these guys are in it for the long haul (especially if you’ve read the above and have ingested it like a gluttonous dog hoovers the ground at a 10th Street food fair).

Today is Valentine’s Day—or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day.



Harry S. Truman (May 8, 1884) The only U.S. president to use the atomic bomb (Hiroshima). Married his childhood sweetheart and remained with her till his death.

Jimmy Stewart (May 20, 1908) Married for forty-five years to the same woman, until her death.

Socrates (May 14, 466 B.C.)

Christian Lacroix (May 17, 1951)

Sugar Ray Leonard (May 17, 1956)

Ricky Nelson (May 8, 1940)

Steve Winwood (May 12, 1948) On second marriage since 1987.

Liberace (May 16, 1919)

Valentino Garavani (May 11, 1932)

Bronson Pinchot (May 20, 1959)

Ayatollah Khomeini (May 17, 1900)

Taurus Sun, Venus in Pisces

He’s an analyzer, this one. He’ll test you like a new mommy, for the first time, with that freshly warmed baby bottle. He’s critical. Philosophical. Quixotic. Impractical—yet with a good business sense. Creative, but has it in his mind that he’s gonna make dollars from it if it kills him. Indulge him.

Problem is, he’ll only stick to what he’s good at. (P.S., though, he won’t be successful at it until he’s told a million times that he’s amazing.)

Speaking of bottles and infants, you may discover that this Taurus guy is only one step above the other baby: Aries, Venus in Aries. He’s not as fickle, not as much of a closeted metrosexual, but he’s definitely as ridiculously immature. Oh, but he hides it well. Just wait. It’s coming.

See, the problem just rears its ugly head differently. Fact is, at least Aries/Aries knows what he wants. And makes no secret of it. (Even if he changes what that is every five minutes.) You might notice it right away. Unfortunately, with this Taurus, it’s not blatant.

Bottom line, here: He needs to know that you fit into his plan. Concurrent with his emotional needs. He’s convinced that no one does it better than he does. Like 007. Bond. Shaken, not stirred.

And he’ll rate you based on his assessment of how you handle things—everything from nights out at the theater and sports events to, ah, his joystick.

Just make sure that you don’t let him know you’re dying for him. He’s gotta know he’s snagged crème de la crème. Top hat. “It.”

Things have to be slow and steady for this guy: like grandma’s stew. He needs time to decide. Push—and it’s over. Think of him like chocolate soufflé: take it out of the oven too soon and it falls into a big, gooey mess.

Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee announced they’re getting back together. You know what that means? There’s still hope for Ike and Tina Turner.


One thing my wife says is bad about me, is that I still care too much.


BOYFRIEND POTENTIAL RATING: High if you realize that his dream is to be Brawny, the macho quicker picker-upper. He wants to be the dominant one. (Tough, this, because he’s so unsure of his prowess out of the client’s den. Work stuff.) Low if you’re too aggressive with him. Quiet simmer: passion, tempered with restraint. For example, if you don’t give him control in the bedroom, you’ll leave him as cold as Madame Tussaud’s finest. (Dibs on him, by the way, if you can’t hack it.)


I have lived in a flurry of images, but I will go out in a freeze-frame.



Jay Leno (April 28, 1950) Married to the same woman—women’s rights activist Mavis—for decades. They have no children.

Aaron Spelling (April 22, 1923) Was married to Carolyn Jones (Morticia Addams) before he married Candy and had Tori.

Keith Haring (May 4, 1958)

James Brown (May 3, 1933) Allegedly beat wife.

Peter Frampton (April 22, 1950)

Iggy Pop (April 21, 1947)

Frankie Valli (May 3, 1934)

Lee Majors (April 23, 1939) Married to Farrah Fawcett before he married a Playboy Playmate. Here’s gossip for you: He was so jealous and protective of Farrah that once, when he went out of town, he asked his best friend to watch her. Know who that best friend was? Ryan O’Neal (also a Taurus. She’s an Aquarius). Ryan and Farrah had an affair and stayed together for seventeen years. They never married.

Ulysses S. Grant (April 27, 1822)

Anthony Quinn (April 21, 1915) Quinn conceived all of his children while married to other women. First two children were with an Italian costume designer, so he divorced his wife and married her. They were together for thirty-one years—until he fathered another with his secretary, Kathy Benvin. Oh. Then he married her.


COMPOSED <COM-POZED> Together. Grounded. Socks matching. Shirt not turned inside out.

Translation for potential girlfriend: Inside, his mind is as tortured as a performance artist’s canvas.


PROUD <PROWD> Um. Narcissist.

Translation for potential girlfriend: His vanity can be like the worst cheap cologne: It costs him almost nothing, but you smell it before he even enters a room.


SENSUAL <SEN-SHOO-ALL> He can be great in bed.

Translation for potential girlfriend: But it all comes back to ego. Sadly, his masculinity is tied into it. Just make sure you have an orgasm every time, or he’ll go out and find someone who fakes it better than you do.


TRADITIONAL <TRAH-DISH-AH-NAHL> This one’s got a good-girl complex. He’s ridiculously old-fashioned. Don’t be surprised if you find him sitting out on the porch with your folks, talking about “kids these days.” Translation for potential girlfriend: The three-date sex rule does not apply here. Wait ten. Or twenty. Or a hundred. Wait a year. Go to bed with him in your next life. This guy, when he’s in love, will wait for a nun. If you sleep with him too fast, though, he’ll run like a turkey the day before Thanksgiving.


CURIOUS <KYOUR-EE-US> He’ll ask you questions about your past and pretend everything you say is fine, even though it’s not.

Translation for potential girlfriend: Be careful. In actuality, he’s just handing you the noose and letting you hang yourself with it.


FINANCIALLY SECURE <FY-NAN-SHUH-LEE SEE-CURE> So obsessed with money that he’s been counting coins instead of sheep since he was a toddler.

Translation for potential girlfriend: Tell him you’re even a little in debt and he’ll make off like a new bride’s dress after the wedding.


Da-da-da dah dah dah dah! (I’m singing. Plug your ears if you like.)

PRESENTING…The Dating Game.

Bachelor number one hails from Dysfunctional, North Dakota. He’s kind, generous, curious, clever, and funny. Yet he’s also paranoid, neurotic, and hides his insecurities under his Members Only jacket. (Y’know the one. It’s got a fake Armani label sewn into it.)

Bachelor number two is from Codependent, Utah. He claims his worst fear is being lonely. Yet he goes through periods when he’s a workaholic, then comes out of his shell and socializes like a man on fire. (He also tells our female producers that his bed is about to collapse from all the notches on it. Nice move.)

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.


Bachelor number three is from Megalomania, Massachusetts. He cares deeply about others…until he gets so wrapped up in himself that—wait. He’s backstage and can’t tear himself away from the full-length three-way mirrors.

Right. Fooled you. Bachelors number one, two, and three are all Gemini guy. He’s a big mishmash of many products (of his creation). He wears all kinds of chapeaus. He’s dashing, sympathetic, witty. Sometimes dangerous to damsels in distress…

He saves women by tossing his coat over a puddle. Then tramples them as he runs headlong toward the nearest reflective surface.

Accidentally pushing them into the mud in the process.

Looky here. Gemini man never means to hurt anybody, and can be incredibly devoted to helping the world and spurring on political change. But unless your plight is directly tied into his current love direction, he can be as faithful and as caring as Hugh Grant in a parked car.

Sorry, pumpkin.

Well, the good-guy-with-a-bad-boy-edge thing works for him. He apologizes and moves on. Carries the charming-cad card. We can’t help but forgive ’im.

Actually, Gemini guy likes to think he’s a rock star. He imagines it. Pretends he’s one. Big, bad, and famous, requesting fifty gallons of Evian in his dressing room so that he can shower with it. And twenty-nine bendy straws to drink it with—twenty-nine, mind you. Not twenty-eight. Pay attention.

Do not fear mistakes. There are none.


Men are what their mothers made them.


Although…then he knows (as all famous rock stars do—because they’re almost too famous), he’ll just whip out those dark hipster sunglasses, tell the paparazzi “No pictures, no pictures, PUH-LEEASE!” and become a recluse, appearing in public only when his publicist makes him—or when he hears thunderous applause he just can’t resist—like the kind necessary for Tinker Bell not to die. “I believe in fairies! I believe in fairies! (And you’re the neatest and the bestest!)

Right. Gemini guy is…you guessed it: Peter Pan. Green getup and all (it’s under his clothes). It’s absolutely true. Besides the fact that we suspect he has his personal plastic surgeon on call, locked away in his basement (he always looks about ten years younger than the rest of us), he is a child. And despite your best intentions, he ain’t never, ever gonna leave Neverland and grow up. At least not willingly.


Double-edged sword, though: children are cute. Especially when you can hand them back to mommy when they’re bad. (Unfortunately, you can’t. She wants him off and married. Tough titties.)

He’s also rash, irrational, hasty, fidgety, wants what he can’t have, impatient, indulgent…Go on? But, like every adorable tot, he gets away with it most of the time—and gets his way almost all of the time. If he doesn’t, and if he’s not especially mature, brace yourself for a fist-waving, macaroni-throwing temper tantrum worthy of the rottenest three-year-old.

Memo to potential mate: He’s also incredibly persuasive, enchanting with arresting allure, a natural-born comedian, inquisitive, interesting, a wild card, bright, innovative…and the list goes on. Yet he wreaks havoc on poor, unsuspecting young maidens who don’t wish to have their hearts crushed like a can of beer at halftime.

There was just something about me she did not like.


I love my mother, man. Are you crazy? I can’t be a bad influence on anybody!


Seesaw action. (I hope you’re weighing it out now. Up. Down. Want him. Don’t.)

You’ve heard that Gemini, sign of the twins, has two sides? Not true. He has at least 147—at last count. He’s closed and private, yet extroverted and Grimm-like storyteller fascinating. He embellishes and exaggerates—yet may never truly let you in on what he’s really thinking. May not know it himself. He says one thing, means another. Changes his mind every four seconds. Ten, on a good day. He demands loyalty and fidelity—yet has trouble putting his money where his mouth is. Like Peter Pan, he’d like to live forever and make his mark. But he starts things all the time and never finishes them.

Gemini guy will be only as mature as he’s forced (himself) to be. If he’s got a high-ranking job, he’ll be responsible. And if he loves what he does, he’ll excel like no other. However, if he’s just been fired from his job, he’ll sit around moaning in his jockey shorts, watching Oprah reruns and Christie Brinkley infomercials (Hey, she’s still hot! he’ll cry).

If he’s done some introspection and quotes Dr. Phil off the cuff, you may just have it made. Plus, if he admits to his feelings, and actually expresses them out loud, well—that’d be good. (Gemini guy only believes he’s in love when he hears it from his own mouth.) But be warned. They never told you, when you were a kid, what actually happened to Peter Pan. He came back to the present to live out his life. One day he got old, his fantasies of Neverneverland were trampled, dreams were shot. He discovered he was a mere mortal.

And he didn’t like it one bit.

I never lie. I believe everything I say, so it’s not a lie.


Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.



Let’s play a game (Gemini’s favorite sport, besides tongue lashing).

Make Gemini guy a puppet. You be the ventriloquist. He’s, ah, the dummy.

Sit him on your lap and crank up the soundtrack to the Broadway hit show Chicago. Song: “Razzle Dazzle.” (The gist of the ditty is: give ’em a good show and they’ll never catch on to the truth.

That’s Gemini’s M.O.)

Get the picture? Good.

Back to it. Gemini guy will pull your pigtails to show you he likes you. He’s the original “I’m not jealous” (when he is) and “I’m not interested” (when he is). Though he’s as spontaneous and impetuous as a sloshed college freshman girl at a fraternity party, he’s also capable of rationalizing you away if he doesn’t think you’ll fit into his Playboy Bunny agenda-book.

And once he’s got you, all bets may be off.

“I know you want me,” Gemini coos. (But he secretly wonders whether you truly do.) The way to hang on to a Gemini is to keep him hungry and off balance—more than he keeps you, ditto. Be a Slinky. The toy. He grabs you and your coils drop down and bounce. Slip and slide and spring and walk downstairs and make a clinkety sound. A spring, a spring, a marvelous thing.

Be the bomb, then throw a few grenades, too.

Gemini man loves the chase maybe even more than he loves the actual getting. It all comes back to ego. He’s so sensitive and defensive. That’s why he freaks when you don’t want him. But give him this: When he’s truly jumped over the edge, he’s romantic, loving, and even faithful. Most of the time.

Women are like cars: We all want a Ferrari. Sometimes want a pickup truck…and end up with a station wagon.


Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work, or prison.


Just remember that most of the time is not all of the time—and that this “magnetic,” “sexual,” “generous,” “charming” “stud” was a child once—and might just still be.


Can you say ladies’ man, kids? Lay-diss man. Gooood. He’s incredibly insecure, deep down where he stuffs a sock in his pants.

Gemini guy will go to great lengths to not show you his cushy side. He’s developed that hard, crusty pink-eye shell that takes the form of joke-telling and self-mocking so that you never suspect that, when he’s in love, he’s as unsure as a scrawny prepubescent with a fourteen-pound bowling ball (his aim is good, but it’s a little too much for him to handle).

So do yourself a favor: praise him and his great moves. Well, yeah—he is good, so it shouldn’t be hard. (Get your mind out of the gutter.) Then just walk away and let him follow. Trouble is, with all that air and superficiality, he gives capriciousness a new name. Namely: <insert his name here>. Just keep it light. That’s what he’s looking for. He has to be the one to get serious first. Oh—but don’t trust everything he says. Keep your options open. Consider his actions, not his words. Gemini talks a good game but fails to play by the rules (and changes them all the time to fit his needs).

Keep him at arm’s length. Make him work for it. Again, tell him how wonderful he is, then hang a “Gone Fishing” sign on your door, even though he knows you detest the smell of earthworms and live bait.

You might say I’m a philosophic nut, or a nutty philosopher. It doesn’t matter. Words don’t mean anything. If you dig into anybody’s character, you can find eccentricities you can characterize as nutty.


Puzzle him. Draw him in. Then push him away. Ask him lots o’ questions. He loves to hear himself expound and wax poetic.

Also, watch him like a hawk—but don’t let him know you’re doing it. Out of all the signs, Gemini is the most likely to run if he thinks you’re trying to box him in. In fact, you’ll have to be able to take him or leave him when it gets down to it. If he thinks you’re bluffing, you’ll lose your bargaining chip. And he’ll win the pot.

This guy will stay and be faithful to you as long as he believes you’re the Bonnie to his Clyde, the yin to his yang, the Siegfried to his Roy. If not, you’re just a bump on his long and winding road.


I know a woman. I’ll call her Jules. Jules was dating Mr. Gemini. He was actually a rare breed of Gemini—a little reserved. Modest. A bit of a workaholic. His spatial relations were off (meaning he needed space, almost all of the time). Granted, he was bright, mentally agile, hysterically funny but with a somber edge. He wasn’t a show-off like many Geminis, and his sense of humor was ironic, not in-your-face. But he was indecisive in love: the typical Gemini virus strain.

So, Jules was getting tired of seeing him only twice a week. He had control of the relationship. But she also knew that he was completely in love with her (with Geminis, you just know it—they can’t fake it for long). So, she got smart. After two years of winging it, she conceived a plan. And carried it out with the cold precision of General Patton. No hesitation.

I’m always open for people saying I’m wrong because most of the time I am.


I just think the funny response would be that I think there needs to be a Bride of Freddy. I think Freddy needs a woman in his life.


She left him. Told him she loved him but that she had someone else waiting in the wings (true) who loved her and wanted to get married. Gemini man said okay (they always do, out of pride) and let her go.

She was clever. Kept in touch. But she never let on to Gemini guy that she missed him or regretted leaving him. Eventually, Gemini guy brought in a close friend to intervene. Since he felt he couldn’t really put his heart on the line alone (r-ii-i-ght), he set up a meeting with Jules and the friend, and they negotiated the terms of the relationship, all three, as if it were a house deed. It worked.

Bottom line: If he’s older, in his late thirties or forties, he’s probably already set in his independent ways. This will take the form of a spoiled child who wants to eat ten candy apples, then go ride the negative G-force gargantuan upside-down roller coaster. (You know it’s gonna make him throw up, but you have to let him do it anyway.)

Under the bottom line: Gemini guy will never move to the next step unless he’s forced to—and believes you’ll actually leave him when you threaten to. If he doesn’t respond, just do it. He’ll also stay in a relationship that’s over far too long if the sex is good. Save yourself; get a life raft, row to shore. He may just follow—and if he doesn’t, at least you’re safe on dry land.


Gemini guy has got to be the one to get you back. If you call him, chase him, or go after him, he’ll think I’m too sexy for Milan. Too sexy for Milan. New York. And Japan.

In the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.


Am I a romantic? I’ve seen Wuthering Heights ten times. I’m a romantic.


Here’s the baby lotion rub: Gemini guy does realize he’s made a mistake after he’s broken it off with you. But you have to be a disappearing act. Houdini.

If he hears from friends that you’re dating someone else, so much the better. Don’t worry. If he cares (and if he doesn’t, to hell with him—he’s worth nil), he’ll call. He’ll find you. But let him make the move. In fact…don’t pick up the phone the first few times he calls. If he’s a little desperate, he’ll confess his undying love when he finally gets you on the horn. That’s worth the pain and suffering of singing “Lah, lah, lah, not listening” to drown out his pleas on your answering machine.

Expensive French Manicure Tip: Please, please don’t show him that you’ve been waiting by the phone like a computer geek for that new, ultra-techy groove software you just ordered. He’ll change his mind that he wants you faster than a playah changes his sheets.

Here’s the catch. Gemini guy has trouble focusing on the task at hand. There’s a one-month limit to his love when you break up.

Two months, tops. After that, he’s probably not coming after you. In fact, you may not hear from him or see him again—until someone has crushed his heart three years later and he comes around looking for an ego boost.

Your intellect may be confused, but your emotions will never lie to you.

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